I’m Not Behind for No Reason!

So, when I made my last post on Friday I was exhausted and my throat was scratchy and I was generally not feeling all that great. I made it through work (including an awesome talk someone gave to our company who worked for a major tech company up until recently – because working at a tech startup sometimes is a stereotype in the best way possible)  and felt okay, but the throat scratchiness wasn’t abating. By the time my commute home was over, all I was really able to do was collapse into bed.

Cue a largely sleepless night because every time I swallowed it felt like I had nails in my throat. Around 3AM, frustrated that drinking copious amounts of water wasn’t working, I used the light from my phone to check my throat in the mirror. Sure enough, I had all these big, gross white spots just chillin’ back there, looking bacterial and painful. So I made an appointment at the local urgent care and just tried to wait it out until I could get some antibiotics in me.

Not exactly the way I wanted to spend my weekend…

But now that I’m not either sleeping like the dead, lying awake in pain, or snuggled up in bed watching Mindhunter (which, sidenote, is SO GOOD. It’s definitely creepy and definitely gory, but as a true crime fan I am eating it up. I just finished the last episode, and that last scene is a doozy.), I feel a lot better about the fact that I’ve fallen behind a bit in some of the stuff I’ve been trying to accomplish. My body is telling me to rest, so I am. Sucks that I feel like I keep needing to rest, but to me, that’s saying that my processes of life are inefficient and I need to keep working on making my own life easier and more efficient.

I’ve been taking on more at work and have been trying to help out more at home. I haven’t been the most successful on the home front, unfortunately, because honestly once I get home I mostly just want to be a lump tucked under blankets. Some days I have the energy to do one or two of the things on my to-do list, but either they get sidelined for stuff that’s more pressing like helping with dinner or meal planning or running errands or cleaning the kitchen. But those days feel like miracles because I feel like I’m always The Tiredest Person Alive, regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten (though I’m pretty sure I haven’t been getting enough the last few weeks). I wish that giving the toilet a proper cleaning didn’t feel like climbing Everest, but it does, and I’m just not completely sure why.

The main thing I’ve been trying to tackle is being more efficient with meal planning. I’ve been trying to use more nonperishables that we already have, as well as make meals in an order so that if there are leftovers, we can try and use them in later meals. Example: we made a roasted chicken, ate the chicken with rice and veggies, then saved the bones in the freezer for when we get some time to make chicken broth, and then saved the meat we didn’t eat for a sorta-keto BBQ chicken pizza. Super simple, but it takes a few extra minutes of planning and thinking the week through. It also makes it harder for us to come up with excuses to just have PB&J for dinner.

But that only does so much. I need to figure out how to better use my time while I’m commuting. I have about an hour each way on public transit, and with a smartphone in hand, there’s a whole lot I can do. I also want to try and get rid of more of the clutter and some of the furniture in the house, because all it does is get in the way and stress me out. It just takes time to take care of that and I haven’t had days off besides weekends, which are already all booked up with other errands and chores. I’m also trying to get back in the mindset that if it takes less than two minutes, I should probably just take care of it. Also trying to deal with the fact that a lot of the time, I can’t do The Whole Thing At Once. I have to do things in parts, because that is what I have time and energy for. Would I like to spend an hour scrubbing down the whole bathroom and get it to my ideal level of cleanliness? Of course. But sometimes, I just need to clean the dirty mirror because it’s gross and bothering me and if I take care of that one thing for 5 minutes, it will improve my life.

Anyway, in summation, I’m tired of always being tired and sick, and now that the smoke has finally cleared over San Francisco and I won’t be horribly sick in a few days, I can finally get back into a proper routine that includes exercise, spending some time outside, and generally being better at doing life. Just gotta stick to it.

99 Things…

I messed up with my decluttering challenge and got behind. Really, really behind. Yesterday, I made a list in my notebook for the 99 things I would end up tossing in the evening once I got home…

…it’s still blank.

Now I have to add 20 more slots to this list so I can finish it tonight and get back on track – 119 items in total. Ugh. I definitely have 119 items I don’t want, but it seems like such a daunting task. It’ll probably only take me 45 minutes, but I just… don’t wanna.

As you can tell from my post history, October has been a really exhausting month for me, particularly the past couple weeks. I haven’t had the mental energy to sit down and write or do anything more productive than making sure dinner is made and then trying to decompress before I go to sleep. It might be the seasonal shift and the fact that when I get home it’s getting dark now, new responsibilities at work, or just overall fatigue catching up to me.

Regardless of whatever’s got me so tired, it has seriously affected my ability to declutter. I’m hoping I’ll be able to catch up this weekend and maybe get a little ahead. I’m also going to start working on the process of actually getting the non-trash items out of my house rather than having them stacked in the living room waiting for me to do more than designate them as unwanted.

For now, I’m just trying to think of all the things that need to go so it’s a no-brained once I get home…

Just gonna put this here…

Mostly just so that when I get out of Finals Hell in a few weeks I have a little road map for myself and how I wanna spend my summer. Freedom from academia is so close, y’all, and I’m dying to taste it.

I’ve really been wrestling with whether or not I want to go to grad school right away. There’s a part of me that feels like I should–particularly the part that has already applied and been accepted to two different programs, the part of me that listens to my mom, the part of me that has been excitedly telling family and friends about the possibility of going to school in Ireland in the fall–but there’s a much bigger part of me that is just… tired. I really don’t feel like I could give grad school my all right now. I am academically exhausted. Grad school is definitely something I want to do. I really want to get my Masters and maybe someday even my PhD. I absolutely love school and I don’t think I’ll be able to just have my BA and be done with it. There’s a lot of people telling me “if you don’t do it now, you’ll never do it” but they’re all people who don’t really get pleasure out of school and got a degree to have one. I went to college mostly just because where else was I going to be able to spend four years talking about literature and honing my writing, my research skills, and my ability to read and think critically?

It’s a lot to think about.

But regardless of whether I go back this fall or not, I do want to have some stuff for myself to do and look forward to. I want to spend more time at the library this summer. I have a lot of books on hand that I would like to read/finish, but there’s a lot of stuff that’s come out over the last four years that I’ve missed because I’ve been too busy reading books for class. It’ll be really good to just walk through the stacks and find some cool stuff this summer. I wanna catch up on Walking Dead comics and read more Thomas Harris books.

I also want to spend more time outside. I haven’t been to the beach in years, and the last time I went it was because I was an emotional wreck and seeking solace from sunshine and ocean sounds. I’m ready to go when I’m having a good day. I definitely want to take advantage of Falling Fruit and see what I can find in the parks and slightly more nature-(re)claimed areas of the city. I wanna learn a lot more about plants (yay, more library time!), particularly wild plants. If I end up staying, I might even see if they’ll give me my old garden plot back at Brooks. That spot was amazing and gave me so much space to work with and I’d love to get to use it again, especially since I’d have more time on my hands.

I also want to try and get the apartment in better order. I reorganized the kitchen a while back, but it’s time to do it again, and also scrub the insides of the cabinets, which have this gross film of honey all over them. I wanna get organizers for the spices (we have SO MANY SPICES and we use them all on a pretty regular basis, but it’s so hard to find stuff because it’s all jumbled together) and some can racks.

Also want to prepare an emergency kit/bug-out bag. This is San Francisco and earthquakes happen. I’ve only experienced one while I’ve been here–which I slept through completely–but we are long overdue for a big one and I want to be ready for it when it comes.

And, of course, I want to start looking for work. What that work ends up being depends a lot on whether or not I’ll be staying here or not, but I am looking forward to finding something that suits me. I’ve worked through college so it’ll be a weird experience to be able to walk into places and ask for a little more because I have a degree. I’m so used to having to accept whatever they give me, but now I feel like I have a teeny bit more leverage for negotiation.

I’m excited and tired and really ready to get my life started.