Selfies and Self Esteem

It feels like just as a bunch of things start working out in my life, one thing has to start falling apart to make up for it. Gotta have something to challenge me in life, I guess!

Lately, I’ve been in a complete funk when it comes to my self-image. On a logical level, I know I’m a perfectly competent, intelligent human being who does her best and is not so horrendously ugly as to repulse people. But on an emotional level, where logic has little to no bearing, I… do not know any of the things that Logical Me knows. Emotional Me has been feeling terribly inadequate lately, and it’s hard to know whether to coddle her and give her the crutches she wants until she’s healthy again or to tell her to suck it up and then deal with the lovely variety of ways that she lashes out at me.

To be honest, I don’t particularly want to do either. My throat has been sore for weeks now (a doctor’s visit is forthcoming, since I know it’s not strep, but at this point I’m guessing. Is it tonsilitis? Tonsil stones? Mono? Some random, annoying viral infection?) with varying degrees of pain, limiting both my ability and desire to do most things. It’s cold outside and gets dark early. Work has gotten busier and I have needed to bring it home more often. So a lot of the things Emotional Me requires for coddling are just… not in the cards right now. I dearly wish they were, but there’s just no room at the moment. And telling Emotional Me to suck it up only results in a deteriorated mental state that I absolutely can’t afford right now. So what’s a girl to do?

Well, this girl decided to take selfies. At least one every day.

A few years ago, I used to take lots of selfies. I would take ones that were just for me, to celebrate good hair days. (I am lucky in that I have many good hair days.) I would take ones to show my friends and family my makeup before I went to an interview. I would take selfies before dates to show my mom what outfit I’d chosen. I’d take selfies where I looked absolutely gorgeous (yay, awesome natural lighting in my apartment!) or absolutely hideous and send them to my boyfriend to brighten his day. I wasn’t taking them every day, but I was taking them when I felt good about myself. Which, happily, was often.

But at some point, I just kind of… stopped. I now go months without taking selfies. Which is not all that astonishing considering the fact that I don’t take many pictures to begin with and never have. But it’s quite strange to look at a history of my photos and see that at some point, I apparently got really uncomfortable taking photos of myself. This is extra hard to face now because I had to work really hard on my insecurities to get to the point where I didn’t balk at every photo of myself and ask for it to be deleted. This is not to say that I don’t still feel like I take bad photos. I am deeply unphotogenic, as numerous pictures of me at work functions and family events will attest to. But at a certain point, I decided it didn’t matter. Who cared if the photo didn’t look good? I wanted a record that I was there. I wanted my family and friends to have pictures of me if they wanted them. I wanted to feel comfortable taking a picture of my face, dammit.

And I got there!

And then fell off the wagon again into the pit of self-loathing that always seems to be waiting for me, even though I’m always so sure that I’ve left it miles behind me.

So I’m trying to get back on the wagon again. I’m doing it by promising to take a picture of myself every day. I even did it today, even though I spent my day working in bed because a raging sore throat seems to be my constant companion now. They’re not good photos. But they help me see myself again, and help me realize that it doesn’t matter whether I look good in them or not. They’re a gift to my future self, when at some inevitable point I wonder how I was doing when I was 22. What did I look like? What was I wearing? How was I feeling? Now, I’ll have photographic proof. Emotional Me is dissatisfied with this solution, as it does not assuage any of her fears that I am actually some kind of horrid troll being. Logical Me is rolling her eyes because it seems ridiculous. But I’m forcing myself to get comfy with looking at me again. Because that’s important. It matters.

It’s silly and self-indulgent, but if I’m being entirely honest, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a bit self-indulgent sometimes. And if taking a selfie every day gets me even a little bit back toward equilibrium, it’s worth it.

A Little Progress Goes a Long Way!

I finally got rid of all of the stuff I marked as clutter in October! I am still not done with my decluttering challenge technically (340-odd items to get through still!) but the pile of stuff in my living room has finally been either donated or properly organized while it waits to be sold on eBay. There’s still a lot more work to do, but having the space in my living room that had been swallowed up by my clutter over the last month has been really nice.

I also managed to get my act together and take care of holiday plans with both sides of the family, which was nice. This is the first year since I moved out that I haven’t had to worry about needing to work on the holidays or try and juggle both families in the handful of days I could get off and I am extremely grateful.

And, best of all, I FINALLY managed to go fishing with my partner. No joke, we have been talking about going fishing together for a year, maybe longer. He loves it and I know nothing about it. But it’s Dungeness crab season and it was beautiful out on a Saturday, so we finally went.

The view from Pacifica Pier

We ended up losing the crabber we had just bought a few minutes earlier because the waves were way too strong and our line broke, and then his line ended up snapping, too. But it was great to be near the ocean and out in the sunshine.

All in all, not a bad few days!

October Recap



Photo by @yuliachinato on Unsplash


October was definitely not the strongest month I’ve had this year. Everything felt a little too much, a little too overwhelming.

I started off by watching To Walk Invisible, then talking about it. And also crying about it. Something about the Brontë sisters and their simultaneous fantastic success and their incredibly short lives really gets to me.

Then, I jumped on the minimalism and decluttering wagon with my mom. I even made a cute graphic about the declutter challenge for this blog post! I was really pumped about it at the beginning of the month, and I still am. I am extremely behind – I need to get rid of 343 things, now which is no small feat now that I’ve already gotten rid of a lot of the obvious stuff like clothes I don’t wear and books I’m not all that attached to – but planning on sticking with it. I’m taking the next few days off, and I have a feeling that by the time I get back to work next Monday, I’ll have gotten rid of those 343 things and then some. I still have a bunch more books to tackle, plus my underwear and sock drawer, the kitchen, and under the bed. I’m going to do a post on what’s changed for me over the course of this month in terms of how I view my stuff. It hasn’t been long enough for me to know if this mindset shift is permanent, but I really am on board with not having more stuff than you actually use and need as of right now. That sounds really simple and obvious, but until you start purging your home of all that stuff you look at every day and think of as yours but that doesn’t really hold meaning to you and just kinda sits there, it doesn’t quite hit home. Or, at least, it didn’t for me.

I got super sick last week with something I thought was strep, but now seems like it might’ve been some particularly nasty virus. Fortunately, that virus did not come with any coughing or congestion, so I suffered a sore throat for a week and then it was gone. Germs are weird. And kind of good for me. Being sick is the one time that I feel like I can chill and not worry about consequences. Most of the time I relax with the knowledge that I have 349283742 things to do and am ignoring them because I need time to decompress. But when I’m sick I actually get to let go a little bit. I think it was important for me to get that rest in.

I also participated in #Preptober for the first time. I wrote a couple posts about that. I did not finish the outline I spent the month talking about, but I did start it, which is more planning than I’ve ever done for NaNoWriMo. My word count is currently sitting at 199 at 11 AM on Day 1. I have a feeling that NaNo is absolutely going to wallop me this month, so I’m going to try and utilize the next few days to get a little ahead and try and pad my word count so November 16th Me, who is overwhelmed and struggling to get 500 words in, will know that November 1st Me has her back.

Overall, October was not exactly what I wanted to be, but I did the best I could with it. I’m hoping November will be better and more productive and that I’ll get caught up on all my challenges and projects.