It’s Real: The Galvanizing Power of Disaster

Early Friday morning, before the sun had even come up, my partner and I were jerked awake by the sound of the fire alarm going off. Both of us looked at each other, exhausted and annoyed.

“Do you think it’s real?” I asked him.

He shook his head, unsure. We’ve both been through so many false alarms in our building at all hours of the day and night. Rather than inducing a mild panic and ensuring that we get out as soon as possible, the alarm is often just an annoyance caused by some inept college freshman trying (and failing) to cook. “It’s really early,” he said. “Maybe…” I understood what he meant. Who was cooking something at 5:25 AM that had set off the fire alarm? Maybe there was a fire.

And then we heard a young man outside shouting, “EVERYBODY GET OUT! THERE’S A FIRE! EVERYBODY GET OUT!” He kept repeating himself over and over, shouting as loud as he could. My partner and I looked at each other, eyes wide.

“I can’t tell if he’s just some drunk asshole reacting to the fire alarm and joking around or if he’s seeing something we can’t,” I said as I sat up.

“We should leave.”

The guy outside kept shouting. We got out of bed, putting on warmer clothes, knowing that even if it was a false alarm we’d be stuck outside for at least half an hour. (A smart choice – it ended up taking close to two hours.) I grabbed my purse and my bug-out bag (which is woefully underpacked, but still better than nothing) and shoved my work laptop into my backpack. As I heard the first two firetrucks pull up, and then a third and a fourth, I felt my breathing hitch. More than one or two trucks means a real fire. (Unfortunately, I’ve been through enough real fires in my building to know.)

We and headed down the stairs. I smelled something burning and was glad we hadn’t stayed inside. Once we were outside, we saw probably a hundred people all staring in the same direction. As we turned the corner of the building, we saw it, too: flames pouring out the window of an apartment on the seventh floor.

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It was a scary sight to see. Especially when, moments later, the glass in the open windows shattered dramatically and the debris fell to the ground in a flaming heap. Nothing else caught fire, thankfully, but as an enormous plume of gray-black smoke rose into the pre-dawn sky, I felt my heart catch. I hadn’t closed my windows. What if the flames spread? What if we did lose everything?

But I calmed myself once I realized that I’d lived through two other fires of similar magnitude, and my stuff and I had always been fine.

And for us, everything was fine in the wake of the fire. But two of the people who lived in the apartment – now a burnt-out, blackened shell – who were injured aren’t. I saw the pile of debris on the sidewalk growing as the fire department pulled it out of the building on my way to work. All their possessions gone, just like that.

My partner and I have been talking a lot about disaster preparedness recently, but money is tight. We pick up a few extra things here and there and split them between our bug-out bag (BOB) and our pantry. With everything going on across the world lately, in particular the huge number of natural disasters that have hit over the last fe weeks, I’ve been a lot more willing to spend any extra cash I have on a few extra cans of food. With earthquakes of varying strengths rippling around the Ring of Fire, including a few small ones closer to our home in San Francisco, the need to stock up has felt even more urgent.

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But even still, there’s always this sense that you have more time. When a fire rips through an apartment right in your building, though, things feel a little more urgent. My partner and I have been talking more since yesterday and are going to be getting some supplies this weekend. I’m also planning on doing more research on what to do in the event that an actual disaster happens sometime soon.

That means that I’ll likely be posting more stuff about disaster preparedness and prepping, particularly for the apartment-dwelling crowd who can’t put together the kind of preps that everyone always recommends. I’m also planning on talking about other ways to prepare besides stockpiling, because I feel like if stockpiling is your only form of preparation, you’re limiting yourself. I’m someone who appreciates participating in communal networks of knowledge and help that comes in a variety of ways, and I believe firmly that no matter how much you stockpile, knowing that you can reach out to and rely on others is far more important.

In the meantime, please make sure your stove is turned off and you haven’t left your curling iron on.

 

 

 

How to Edit Your Own Writing Like a Pro: Part 1 – The Basics

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Photo by Barn Images on Unsplash

When it comes to writing, fresh eyes and a second opinion are invaluable tools. Having someone who can look over your writing and make it flow better and catch all the typos and misspellings you weren’t able to catch on your own can take your blog post, short story, or novel from “meh” to “amazing.” (Trust me, I know – the majority of my job is taking the work of okay writers and making their writing sound like it was written by a great writer.)

Fortunately, you usually don’t really need a professional copy editor like myself to fix the biggest issues with your work. A lot of the problems I see are simple fixes, and with a little practice on spotting those issues, you’ll be able to fix half the issues in your work so that when you actually do have someone go over it, they can focus more on the quality of the content rather than fixing a bunch of easily-avoided errors.

The absolute most important part of this is taking the time to do a first edit yourself. I know that probably sounds like common sense to a lot of you, but for those of you – or, if I’m being honest, us – who want the instant gratification of our stuff being Out There For People To Read Right Now Immediately, this can be challenging. But most blog posts only take a few minutes to read, and investing five extra minutes in your blog post or the latest chapter of your story on Wattpad is not going to kill you, and it will improve your audience’s experience. Whether you take some time to read it out loud or just read over it and check for mistakes, it’s worth it.

“But what do I look for when I’m editing?” you ask. “How am I supposed to tell when something doesn’t sound right or isn’t working? I suck at grammar!” My simplest answer to this is reading out loud. It’s a lot easier to catch when something’s funky in your writing when you have to say it and hear it, especially if you’re a native English speaker. You just know when something isn’t quite right. This works great for issues like:

  • Tense switches, where authors can’t seem to decide when their sentence is taking place. Like this:

I was walking down the street and then we see each other.

The word “was” tells me that this sentence is taking place in the past. But then the word “see” tells me that this sentence is taking place in the present. It makes for a very confusing experience as a reader and an editor, because I often have to use context clues from other sentences around the problem sentence to decide whether I need to change this sentence to “I was walking down the street and then we saw each other” or “I am walking down the street and then we see each other.”

  • Grammar issues, like punctuation being outside of quotation marks, or apostrophes in the wrong place. If you have trouble with things like grammar and punctuation, your best bet is honestly to google it. I do it all the time. Every time a teacher or professor has tried to teach me grammar, I have really struggled to understand it. It goes in one ear and out the other. (What’s a past participle? Hell if I know.) I understand how the English language works and what sounds right, but I can’t always explain why. Knowing why can be really important in editing, because English is a mutant language with a ton of exceptions to all of its rules, not to mention a ton of rules you have to memorize in the first place. If you’re unsure about a rule, the easiest thing to do is go to Google. It will often lead you to places like Grammar Girl’s articles where different grammatical concepts will be explained to you in a simple way that is usually pretty easy to remember. But if you don’t remember, it’s totally okay to look it up again. (And again… and maybe a few more times after that because grammar is hard.)
  • Problems with sentence structure. I will see a sentence that’s just weird. Usually these sentences aren’t wrong, exactly, but they just don’t quite come out right when you read them. I’ve been guilty of this. There’s a lot of different ways that this can happen, but here’s an example:

How foolish that was I have no words to express.

Technically, there’s nothing wrong with this sentence. (At least, as far as I can tell – someone correct me if I’m wrong!) It just sounds weird. And there’s a better way to write it so that it flows better: “I have no words to express how foolish that was.” See how nicely the second version flows? Just changing the words around a bit made the meaning of the sentence much clearer and easier to read.

And that’s really the whole point of editing: you want to make your writing easier to read. We could get really nitty-gritty and talk about every possible issue your writing could ever have, but the details aren’t as important as it is for you to keep the goal of making your writing as accessible for your intended audience at the forefront of your mind.

Have specific questions about editing? Feel like I missed something important? Leave a comment and I’ll answer your question in a future post!

Book Hoarding

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For the past several months, I have been trying to get rid of some of my books. It is… not going well. In the three-ish months (god, I really hope it’s only been three and not longer) since I resolved to separate my books into “keep,” “donate,” and “sell” piles, I have only been able to select about ten books that I’m absolutely certain I don’t want to keep. Some of them are gifts that I am just not all that interested in and never have been, while others were assigned reading that I always meant to finish but haven’t gotten around to. I haven’t read Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up (yet), but from what I have heard secondhand, one of the most important things to do when tidying is ensure that the stuff you are keeping around you is stuff that brings you joy.

I love my books. I love having books on my shelf. But I’ve had to admit to myself recently that I have not made much time for sitting down and reading physical books. I read all day at work and I’ve prioritized other hobbies since leaving high school. I can’t say that it’s a good thing, but I tend to prioritize gaming and watching TV over reading. Which means that now, instead of having a shelf full of possible sources of entertainment, I have a shelf full of heavy decorations that are not being used.

I’m a big believer in secondhand books. I rarely buy any books with a hard cover or brand new, because I’m a very heavy user. I make notes in the margins and dog-ear pages. A lot of my favorites no longer have covers and are falling apart. Buying secondhand is simply part of frugal decision-making for me – why buy a book at full price that isn’t going to stay pristine? But a big part of my belief in secondhand books has always been being willing to let books go so that others can love them just as much as I did. But for some reason, I haven’t actually put that concept into practice for several years. I’ve gotten rid of a few textbooks I had no attachment to, sure, but not any of the novels I picked up from the free library in the laundry room and never started, or the books that I am entirely certain I have grown out of that I no longer have an emotional attachment to.

I’m not entirely sure why this is. I think to some degree I just haven’t had much time to de-clutter much of anything in my apartment over the last four years, and I’ve been lazy about taking on big projects. But a huge part of it is that I am deeply attached to my book hoard. The thought of decreasing my collection even by one book makes me uncomfortable. They’ve been a heavy presence at the corner of my eye for so long. Many of these books have been with me since I was very young and it feels wrong to release them into the wild for someone else to have. I can’t say they feel like part of me, but they certainly feel like part of what makes my space mine. I worry that I would be lonely without them.

But even with all those emotional ties, I can’t help but consider things like what will happen when I move out. How many boxes will all these books take up? (Too many.) Will I really want them in whatever new home I end up in? Even if I don’t move out any time soon, do I really want to keep all that space for books that are going unread when I could use it for vital storage of other, more useful items that have had to be tucked away elsewhere? And the more I think about things like this, the more I realize that my hoard is less of a comforting presence and a collection of knowledge and more of a reminder of my issue with letting keepsakes go. So I think back on Marie Kondo’s rule to only keep things around that bring you joy and ask myself: are my books bringing me joy? Some of them. But most of them feel like an anchor.

That tells me that I have to do something about this. I treasure my books, but I need to move forward and let them go. I need to let other people find them and treasure them and hopefully crack them open once in a while. And I need to do it soon.

Fingers crossed.

 

Yes, It’s September, and Yes, I’m Already Prepping for NaNoWriMo

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Photo by Simson Petrol on Unsplash

It honestly feels weird to have already started prepping this early. The 4 other times I’ve started NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, for those unfamiliar with the challenge) I have waited until the absolute last minute to get started. November 1st rolls around, I remember I made a commitment to myself to do NaNo again, and I just wing it and see what happens. I’ve finished twice this way, and failed another two times. While it’s fun to just let myself type out whatever comes to mind, I feel like I’m not really the kind of person who wants to deal with the stress of pulling two thousandish words a day out of thin air as I hope for the best anymore. My time is a lot more limited and I need to be thoughtful about how I work to make sure I can actually accomplish my goals and not feel overwhelmed.

So, for the first time, I’ve been planning. I have a setting sketched out (a post-apocalyptic America where everything isn’t a gigantic mess and people are actually doing pretty okay–I’ve gotten lots of inspo from the solarpunk movement and have done a lot of thinking about non-capitalist economies), I have a main character (her name is Masha, she’s butch as hell and flies a solar-powered airship), and a general conflict (City People are weird and holding too tight to the old ways, while everyone else just does their best to avoid the City People, but, of course, trade happens between those groups, and things get ugly at one point).

Every time I get an idea, whether it’s for plot stuff or character stuff or setting or whatever else, I make sure to write it down in my journal so I can go back to it later and not forget it when it’s crunch time in mid-November and I’m losing my mind trying to figure out where this story goes and how it works. And it feels really good to be taking care of that ahead of time and feel like I’m setting myself up for success rather than just chugging along and hoping I don’t fail.

I’m also really excited about this story. I feel like I haven’t had a “good” idea in a long time, but my brain popped this one out and it felt like I absolutely needed to do something with it. It’s a culmination of a lot of my interests and sensibilities, with a main character who has been rattling around in my head for a while but just didn’t seem to fit anywhere, in a setting I really care about. So maybe it’s way too freakin’ early to be trying to plan out my book for NaNo, but it’s exactly the right time for me to be getting pumped about spending a month churning this novel out.

Non-Zero Days, or, Why You Should Be Using Habitica

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Photo by Diego PH on Unsplash

I’m proud of the amount of original writing I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been writing a lot of blog posts for work lately. I’ve also been mentally preparing myself for taking on NaNoWriMo again this year (I want to finish a 3rd time!) and doing some other small writing pieces. I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few weeks, though,  especially after putting together this post about creating productively. When discussing tips for increasing one’s productivity, a lot of what gets said is stuff that you’ve heard from people before, but I tried my best to present information that we all kind of know in our hearts as writers and bloggers and creatives and make it feel more attainable and positive. I feel like a lot of posts advising creatives to improve their habits and increase productivity tend to be sort of negative. They often read more like someone telling you off and ordering you to “stop being so lazy” or just make you feel terrible for not being able to be a Perfect Bastion of Creativity every second of your day. Like, bro, depression is real! Being tired is real! Having other things on your plate and not being able to dedicate an hour to your craft every day is a fact of life!

Rather than admonishing myself for all the things I haven’t been able to accomplish, I prefer to do my best, encourage other people to do their best, trust that they are doing what they can, and accept whatever the outcome is. I firmly believe that all you can do is try your best. Which is why I really appreciate both Habitica (formerly HabitRPG) and the philosophy of non-zero days.

The non-zero day philosophy is outlined in the comment ryans01 posted, but I’ll just state the basic rules here:

Rule 1 – No more zero days. A zero day is defined as a day in which you don’t do anything to achieve your goals. A non-zero day is one in which you do something – even something very small, like writing one sentence or doing one push-up – to achieve your goals. The idea is to accumulate non-zeros so that you know you’re moving forward and you don’t fall back into the abyss of not doing things and having zero days.

Rule 2 – Be grateful to the 3 Yous. That’s Past You, Present You, and Future You. You want to thank Past You for doing things that are benefiting Present You. You want Present You to work to benefit Future You. And you want Future You to thank Present/Past You for doing things that made life better/easier.

Rule 3 – Forgive yourself. Sometimes we have zero days. It’s okay. Forgive your past self and devote yourself to being better in the future.

Rule 4 – Exercise and books. Exercise improves your body and your cognitive function, which improves your overall outlook and makes it easier to do other things, and reading expands your mind and teaches you new things.

These rules are simple and easy to follow, and honestly how I live my life most of the time. Motivating myself with outside pressures doesn’t work very well for me. I have to do something because want to do it. If I don’t feel like doing something, there’s very little that is going to get me to get up and do it. But telling myself that my future self will be grateful, or just knowing that I’ll get the satisfaction of knowing I moved a little further towards my goals? That’s really motivating.

Unfortunately, though, I also tend to get bogged down by self-doubt if I don’t see obvious results for a while. Like, sure, I finished reading a book, but how did that really help me? Is that $10 I put into savings really going to make a difference? Did that run I went on really do anything for me? Was that blog post I wrote really worth my time? It’s easy for me to be doubtful when I don’t have something to look at that shows me my progress. Which is where Habitica comes in.

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Habitica is, at its core, a task manager. It allows you to create habits (things you want to do, but don’t necessarily have to, and would like to do every day or every week), daily tasks (things that you want to do every day), and to-dos (one-off tasks that you would like to get done at some point). It allows you to “purchase” rewards with gold, which you earn by completing tasks. Those rewards can be in-game items, like armor and weapons for your avatar, or customized rewards that you come up with yourself, like an extra thirty minutes of watching your favorite show or buying yourself that new book you want.

It’s very simple, which is what makes it so appealing. It’s also very easy to customize and use exactly how you want. I use mine to encourage myself to floss daily, exercise more regularly, eat more green things, read, and do a number of other things. I’ve joined guilds like the Financial Discipline Guild, which encourages me to be smarter with my money. My partner and I made a party together, which allows us to keep each other accountable, because every time we complete one of our daily tasks, it deals damage to a monster we’re fighting together, like the Feral Dust Bunnies or the Basil-List. It gamifies the act of completing daily tasks that would otherwise feel like a chore and I get to watch my avatar level up and grow stronger as I achieve more in my real life. I can seek out support networks through guilds tailored to my interests and needs (seriously, it feels like there’s one for everything, from learning languages to writing to knitting to walking to Mordor).

To put it simply, Habitica makes it that much easier to ensure that I have a non-zero day. Because in addition to following the principles of non-zero days and encouraging myself in that way, I am also held accountable to my Habitica avatar and the other people in my Habitica support network. I also have a way of quantifying my success. My avatar levels up as I gain experience from completing tasks, which reminds me that my real-life self is leveling up, too, just in ways I can’t see as well. If I don’t do what I said I would do for the day, my avatar loses health and eventually dies, which loses me a level. It gives me consequences without punishing me in a way that actually harms me, which helps me forgive myself for not completing tasks while motivating me to do better in the future.

I honestly recommend taking the time to really absorb the non-zero philosophy and set up a Habitica account. I would never have imagined that I’d be the kind of person who flosses regularly, has a physical journal for work and life tasks to help me keep track of things that I write in nearly every day, and exercises more than a handful of times a year. It seems silly that this little game could make such a difference in my life, but it has.

Seriously, you owe it to yourself.

I Hate Dieting: A Response to “Losing It in the Anti-Dieting Age”

I said it: I hate dieting. I really do. From the compulsiveness it creates in myself and others to the sanctimoniousness of ex-fat people who can’t seem to talk about anything except how terrible it was to be fat and who consistently find new, innovative ways to throw currently-fat people under the bus, to it’s pervasiveness in modern culture – I hate it. I hate going to parties and talking to women who I know are perfectly intelligent and getting caught in a discussion about weight loss, because suddenly we are no longer saying anything particularly smart or useful. We just repeat a conversation we have had with dozens of other women a hundred times before.

I’ve written a bit here about body image and how fat positivity has changed my life (and, quite frankly, probably saved it in many ways), but I honestly feel like that post was too tame considering my relatively radical beliefs about fat bodies and diet culture. One of those beliefs is that dieting is ugly. It warps people’s brains and twists cultural concepts of what it means to be a worthwhile human being. I know because I’ve been on diets and been given all kinds of weird and terrible diet advice over the years. I will honestly never get over being told by my pediatrician when I was 12 (and pretty normal-sized – I was already at my adult height but I was at an average weight for that height) that I should avoid eating fruit if I was going to be eating lots of sugary things because the extra sugar from the fruit would make me fat. I was shocked. My doctor was telling me to eat less fruit? When she didn’t even know what I ate every day? We barely ever even had juice in the house because of my parents’ concerns about sugar.

That same doctor told me that I needed to try Weight Watchers or maybe go to a support group for fat teens a few years later. I was ashamed and angry at the time, even though a small part of me agreed with her. I was 15 and hated my body, like most 15 year olds. I wouldn’t attempt to take up her advice until I was almost 17 and my father was moving to a small Mediterranean country famous for its limestone beaches. Horrified by the thought of being in a swimsuit in public at my size (which, admittedly, was not small, but  I was certainly not the beast I thought I was), I started Weight Watchers several months before I left. I spent a good portion of my junior year of high school counting points and doing my best not to cheat. I ended up losing about 40 pounds, but I honestly could barely tell the difference. I still felt just as bad about myself as I ever had. I swam that summer and loved it, but eventually quit the program because I just couldn’t keep up the motivation to continue and actually get down to my goal weight of 125 pounds.

Fast forward to a few years later. I had started college and found the fat acceptance movement. (Also, a note here: I believe that while the body positivity movement and the fat acceptance movement have some of the same goals, body positivity has been watered down so much by corporations that it has become meaningless. The body positivity that helped me love myself is not the same body positivity I see everywhere today selling tea cleanses and telling people they need to “get fit.” To be frank, every good thing that body positivity is giving to people now is ground that the fat acceptance movement paved the way for, and did better.) Over the course of the intervening four years since finding the movement, I am a completely different person. Bigger, yes, but also happier. I still have body image issues and really bad days, but my good and neutral days far outweigh my bad ones. I still worry about how other people perceive my body, but that’s a consequence of being fat in a world that is constantly telling me I shouldn’t be. I am more unapologetic about my size than I have ever been.

But stories like “Losing It” still hit me hard. This is one of the passages that really got to me:

 I told Foster that Obesity Week made me sad. First, it was the profusion of educated people in the room studying me and my people as if we were problems to solve. But second, it was because if you have this many hundreds of smart and educated people trying to figure this out, and nobody has anything for me but superfood and behavior modification and an insertable balloon and the removal of an organ, it must be that there is no way to solve fatness.

I felt a twinge in my heart when I first I read that. Because, yes, there’s a tiny part of my brain that has been programmed for 22 years to think that I should be as small as possible who wants a “solution” to my problem. The de-programmed part of me has realized that the solution is loving myself and trying to help others do the same, but being reminded that there are people out there doing their best to find a “fix” for the problem of fatness.

A few paragraphs later, when Brodesser-Akner describes her experience with intuitive eating classes, I almost cried:

I went to an intuitive-eating class — intuitive eating is where you learn to feed yourself based only on internal signals and not external ones like mealtimes or diet plans. Meaning it’s just eating what you want when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. There were six of us in there, educated, desperate fat women, doing mindful-eating exercises and discussing their pitfalls and challenges. We were given food. We would smell the food, put the food on our lips, think about the food, taste the food, roll the food around in our mouths, swallow the food. Are you still hungry? Are you sure? The first week it was a raisin. It progressed to cheese and crackers, then to cake, then to Easter candy. We sat there silently, as if we were aliens who had just arrived on Earth and were learning what this thing called food was and why and how you would eat it. Each time we did the eating exercise, I would cry. ‘‘What is going on for you?’’ the leader would ask. But it was the same answer every time: I am 41, I would say. I am 41 and accomplished and a beloved wife and a good mother and a hard worker and a contributor to society and I am learning how to eat a goddamned raisin. How did this all go so wrong for me?

It was hard for me to read because I’ve been there, and some days I still am there. Our culture has such strange ideas about food and how it’s supposed to be consumed and who is allowed to consume food and how much of it is socially acceptable for them to consume that it seems impossible that there are people in this world that do not have a fraught relationship with the food they consume. I am still working on intuitive eating, especially when I am in a group setting. Intuitive eating is so much easier when there isn’t a potential audience. But I’ve gotten a lot better. Still, though, the idea that eating a raisin is hard is something that I felt deep inside myself. Eating is complicated and difficult.

But this was the moment where the author lost me:

Weight isn’t neutral. A woman’s body isn’t neutral. A woman’s body is everyone’s business but her own. Even in our attempts to free one another, we were still trying to tell one another what to want and what to do. It is terrible to tell people to try to be thinner; it is also terrible to tell them that wanting to lose weight is hopeless and wrong.

I don’t know if diets can work in the short term or the long term. For the first time, I began to think that this was something worth being made crazy over. Our bodies deserve our thoughts and our kindness, our acceptance and our striving. Our bodies are what carry our thoughts and our kindness and our acceptance and striving.

I agree with her first few statements. Women’s bodies aren’t neutral, and it is terrible to try to tell people to be thinner, especially as we are learning more and more that dieting doesn’t work in the long-term except for a very small number of people and that weight cycling like that caused by dieting can be very harmful.

But deciding that dieting is “something worth being made crazy over” and that dieting involves “thoughts and… kindness [and] acceptance and… striving” is honestly appalling to me. Dieting is quite literally the exact opposite of acceptance of one’s body and self. I completely understand where Brodesser-Akner is coming from, but I feel like deciding to give in to something as harmful as the weight loss industry because it allows one to perpetually strive for a “better” self is self-destructive. Accepting disordered eating because it feels like the only option can only end in disaster.

So I want to propose something to anyone who is struggling with being fat or with disordered eating or both: try to be kind to yourself. Self-acceptance comes slowly. And sometimes self-acceptance means that you have to accept that you do not look exactly how you want yourself to. Self-acceptance means changing your expectations of yourself and your goals for who you want to be. It means thinking about what you want for yourself beyond being smaller. It means realizing that you’ve put a lot of time and energy and brain space into thinking about your weight and trying to “fix” it that could probably be better spent thinking about and doing other things. Some examples of small ways that you can be kind to yourself:

  • Push back against negative thoughts. If the part of your brain that likes to say cruel things tells you, “God, that outfit looks terrible on you,” respond back with something like, “It looks fine and I like the color.”
  • Every year, one of my favorite podcasts, The Sporkful does a New Year’s Food Resolution episode. Here’s a link to the 2017 episode. The host, Dan Pashman, encourages listeners to pick a food they want to eat more of each year. This year, my resolution was to eat more fruits and veggies that I hadn’t tried before, and eat them in ways I had not tried them before. It may already be August, but I still think this is something worth trying.
  • Do things that are good for your body just because you like them. I discovered that I really like running, so I do that sometimes. Maybe there are healthy things that you haven’t tried that you really like, like swimming or dancing or roasted brussels sprouts with olive oil and a delicious blend of spices. Maybe there’s a thing you love to do that you’ve been putting off because you think you’re too fat to do it anymore. You should do it anyway. Life is short, and waiting until you’re thin enough to do something might mean you wait forever.
  • Eat some good things just because they taste good and you want them. I mean, sure, moderation in all things, but sometimes you just have to eat a bunch of ice cream. Sometimes you want to buy a whole cake just for yourself. Sometimes you want to make homemade tempura and enjoy the taste. It’s okay. You can give yourself permission to do that sometimes.
  • Take a look at pictures of fat people, and not just ones that are inspiration porn. I recommend blogs like Fat Girls Doing Things or going through hashtags on Instagram like #plussize, #plussizefashion, #fatspo, or #fatpositive. It can make a huge difference to see people who look like you on a regular basis. And, if you’re not fat, this is still something you should do, because we should all be trying to normalize fat bodies.

I know it feels like it, but weight loss isn’t the only answer out there. You can unlearn the vicious things people have taught you to believe about your body. You can have a completely fulfilling life while being fat. There’s another way to do things, and it’s worth trying.

I’ve been neglecting this space. Luckily, it was for good reason. I just started working full-time for a company I really enjoy working for. I’m still trying to find a rhythm with non-work stuff, but I feel like I’m starting to make some headway.

Even though I haven’t been posting much here, I haven’t neglected writing completely. I recently wrote a post called “5 Tips That Will Make You A Better Writer” for work that I’m pretty proud of.

I also just recently read “Losing It in the Anti-Dieting Age” by Taffy Brodesser-Akner, which I found really compelling. I appreciated the personal touch Taffy brought to the story as a person who has tried many different diets, but I also found the dissection of how diet companies and a thinness-obsessed culture have co-opted parts of the fat positive movement and started using “body positivity” to sell the same products they’ve always sold really important to talk about. I have a whole heck of a lot to say about that, so I’ll likely be getting up a post about it in the next few weeks.

It’s been a week since I graduated now. I’m only just now starting to feel like I’m coming up for air. I’m still trying to catch up on sleep, still trying to work out a routine for myself. It doesn’t quite feel like freedom yet, but I know it will soon.

I’m trying to figure out my work situation and finances right now and try to put myself in a position where Future Me is comfortable. I’m also trying to give Present Me a break, because Present Me seems permanently exhausted and always just on the verge of a cold. (Dear God, please don’t let it really be a cold.)

On the positive side, I’ve had a lot more time to do things I feel like doing. I’m already halfway through the latest season of House of Cards (it’s killing me, y’all) and I finally got to do some of the main quests in Dragon Age: Inquisition, which I have been playing for 2+ years now! It feels really good to get home and actually relax. No worries about assignment deadlines or applications or papers or projects. My Me Time feels like real Me Time and not time stolen away from me doing productive things. It’s incredible. I spent my Saturday playing Don’t Starve Together and getting my teeth cleaned, which is an ideal Saturday.

Oh, I also started reading Farm City by Novella Carpenter. It’s my latest public transit read and I’m really enjoying it. Definitely an light, easy read that’s right up my alley. Urban gardening? Squat gardening on land that wouldn’t be used otherwise? Creating community with gardening?? Wonderful. I have some issues with some of the implications in the novel re: gentrification, but there’s a lot of stuff that makes it a worthwhile read for me. Definitely check it out.

Also, speaking of reading: I haven’t finished it yet, but I read most of The Abyss Surrounds Us for work and absolutely loved it. It’s a combination of a future and futuristic world that isn’t necessarily any more dystopic than the present world, but still extremely different, kaiju, futuristic pirates, and lesbians. I wish it had come out when I was younger, but I was really glad I got the pleasure of reading it now.

All of this to say: things are not perfect, but they are good, and they feel like they are going to get better.

I made sushi!

And it didn’t turn out half bad!

I used Alton Brown’s sushi rice recipe (x). As I made it, I was really worried it was going to be way too salty and wouldn’t have enough vinegar flavor. I was kind of right – by itself the rice tasted way too salty – but once it had cooled and I had put it into rolls and combined it with all the other ingredients, it didn’t taste bad at all. I definitely still want to tweak the recipe and figure how to get it exactly the way I prefer my sushi rice, but this recipe is a great base.

I ended up putting thinly sliced cucumbers and carrots, imitation crab, and canned tuna into the rolls and they turned out really wonderful considering how quickly I was able to put them together. Honestly, slicing the veggies probably took the longest. (I’m really bad at uniformly slicing anything.) The actual process of rolling everything together was surprisingly easy. I’m planning on making more this week and definitely want to take photos and share the process. I had always been really daunted by the idea of making sushi rolls and I want to show that it’s a lot easier than you’d think.

But for now I need to try and study for my last two sit-down finals and try not to panic. (I just keep telling myself I’m gonna be okay. I have my cap and gown and honors cord already. Even if I do miserably I’m gonna walk across that stage and have my degree. It’s all okay.)

 

Just gonna put this here…

Mostly just so that when I get out of Finals Hell in a few weeks I have a little road map for myself and how I wanna spend my summer. Freedom from academia is so close, y’all, and I’m dying to taste it.

I’ve really been wrestling with whether or not I want to go to grad school right away. There’s a part of me that feels like I should–particularly the part that has already applied and been accepted to two different programs, the part of me that listens to my mom, the part of me that has been excitedly telling family and friends about the possibility of going to school in Ireland in the fall–but there’s a much bigger part of me that is just… tired. I really don’t feel like I could give grad school my all right now. I am academically exhausted. Grad school is definitely something I want to do. I really want to get my Masters and maybe someday even my PhD. I absolutely love school and I don’t think I’ll be able to just have my BA and be done with it. There’s a lot of people telling me “if you don’t do it now, you’ll never do it” but they’re all people who don’t really get pleasure out of school and got a degree to have one. I went to college mostly just because where else was I going to be able to spend four years talking about literature and honing my writing, my research skills, and my ability to read and think critically?

It’s a lot to think about.

But regardless of whether I go back this fall or not, I do want to have some stuff for myself to do and look forward to. I want to spend more time at the library this summer. I have a lot of books on hand that I would like to read/finish, but there’s a lot of stuff that’s come out over the last four years that I’ve missed because I’ve been too busy reading books for class. It’ll be really good to just walk through the stacks and find some cool stuff this summer. I wanna catch up on Walking Dead comics and read more Thomas Harris books.

I also want to spend more time outside. I haven’t been to the beach in years, and the last time I went it was because I was an emotional wreck and seeking solace from sunshine and ocean sounds. I’m ready to go when I’m having a good day. I definitely want to take advantage of Falling Fruit and see what I can find in the parks and slightly more nature-(re)claimed areas of the city. I wanna learn a lot more about plants (yay, more library time!), particularly wild plants. If I end up staying, I might even see if they’ll give me my old garden plot back at Brooks. That spot was amazing and gave me so much space to work with and I’d love to get to use it again, especially since I’d have more time on my hands.

I also want to try and get the apartment in better order. I reorganized the kitchen a while back, but it’s time to do it again, and also scrub the insides of the cabinets, which have this gross film of honey all over them. I wanna get organizers for the spices (we have SO MANY SPICES and we use them all on a pretty regular basis, but it’s so hard to find stuff because it’s all jumbled together) and some can racks.

Also want to prepare an emergency kit/bug-out bag. This is San Francisco and earthquakes happen. I’ve only experienced one while I’ve been here–which I slept through completely–but we are long overdue for a big one and I want to be ready for it when it comes.

And, of course, I want to start looking for work. What that work ends up being depends a lot on whether or not I’ll be staying here or not, but I am looking forward to finding something that suits me. I’ve worked through college so it’ll be a weird experience to be able to walk into places and ask for a little more because I have a degree. I’m so used to having to accept whatever they give me, but now I feel like I have a teeny bit more leverage for negotiation.

I’m excited and tired and really ready to get my life started.